I kind of purged for the first time last night, but kind of not… I had too much alcohol in me, so my stomach was feeling a little upset so I just took my fingers and voilà, it happened. It felt really odd too, I felt kind of proud of myself for accomplishing it, but kind of disappointed because I can only do it when my stomach is feeling off. I wish I just didn’t have to eat at all. I’m saving my money from now on and just buying a minimal amount of food. Ugh, why is it so hard to exist?…
2378) My binge eating is getting worse and I have put on so much weight, but I can’t tell anyone because they’ll think its just because I’m fat or it’s not a real disorder.
Talked for the first time about my self harm scars with someone who didn’t know when it was happening. It was really weird, I didn’t quite know how to explain it. It kind of felt good though, I like talking about my scars, even though I try to hide them. But the funny thing was, she was looking at my tattoo of the waves on my arm and saw the one set of scars I have and she jokingly asked “what, did ya used to cut?” …I had no response but to awkwardly smirk and say “actually, yes…”
It was odd, and she started asking me questions and I answered them all, at least as best as I could. Like “why” or “how” or “when” …I said I even cut on my stomach, and that my mother almost walked in on me once, but she doesn’t know about my self harming past, or at least I don’t think she does. I don’t think anyone really knows but my close friends from uni, and a few close friends from home. It’s something I feel uncomfortable talking about with some people, but completely comfortable talking about with other people. I feel like some people judge me when they ask about it, like they almost think I was doing it for attention. But really, I think it was mostly because I was just incredibly sad, depressed, suicidal at times. It was a horrible time, I hated myself and that’s just about the best way I can explain it. I think I used the cutting as a way to see if anyone truly cared about me, cause I felt so alone that I thought nobody would care and people would rather have had me dead. And the moment someone noticed, I remember it exactly, my heart dropped and I denied it instantly, but it felt okay cause I knew someone might have cared, maybe not even that much, but the fact that they noticed made me feel okay. I really just don’t know, it sounds incredibly crazy, but that was my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I do kind of miss it, but I know it brings me no good so I don’t bother with it anymore.